I feel so drained and so tired. I haven’t been taking very good care of my body lately.
I don’t have too much to complain about and yet I always manage to find something. I keep saying that I am looking forward to ___ when I’ll be able to have time to rest and life would be fine and dandy then, but now I’m wondering if this is just how the rest of my life will be. Putting effort into school will change into putting effort into working and the only good things to look forward to would be the weekends when I would catch up on sleep. I’ll just be caught in this cycle of feeling good and bad…maybe that’s all life is?
Hm I’m being rather negative right now and I may not be making any sense. If you were to check back with me in a few hours (or actually, right now since I’m typing this at the moment) I would probably be saying something like no, life is what you make of it and it’s up to you to break out of those cycles. Making life especially enjoyable doesn’t come easy, and you need to fight and work hard to make sure that you don’t get caught in those cycles. I guess I haven’t been working hard enough. Or I have been working hard at something, but I was not necessarily putting enough thought into the work since I got lost in it and ended up tired and overwhelmed again. It’s up to me to balance the amount of effort I put into everything I do, what I spend my time doing, and make sure I put enough focus on my well-being.
Rewards and Responsibilities.
So on Thursday and Friday I was on a college trip with my highschool. We visited Cornell and Ithaca on Thursday and Binghamton on Friday. I’m going to try and run through the past two days and remember most of what happened. This post is really detailed and long and probably has pictures.
Сегодня замечательная погода. Слегка прохладно но солнце печёт. Бабочки от куда-то прилетели.
Я обожаю такую погоду и вообще это время года. Мне надоело лето. Ждёт в переди нас прохладная погода, тёплые куртки и шапки, и каникулы. Надо будет выбирать в какие университеты я хочу поступить, а потом ждать до лета. Этот год пролетит быстро, и скоро я “вылетаю из гнезда”, как мои родители любят говорить. Я не уверенна если я готова. Время слишком быстро летит.
Okay so after reading someone’s read more post on tumblr about their relationship troubles, I remembered why I was—for the most part—always okay with being single.
Breaking up fucking sucks. Caring about people sucks. When you share so much of yourself with someone and then it just ends and you have to move on and/or start all over with someone new is hard and tiring. Sure you can just give up on ever finding someone and be a hermit and learn to be happy alone, but sharing a part of yourself/your life with someone seems like fun or it makes people temporarily happy or whatever and so people keep dating and exposing their emotions and blindly trusting.
That’s when my train of thought goes to, “so what is the reason for being in a relationship if it always ends badly (death/breakup)”? And then I have to stop myself. Once you start thinking like that you can start applying “what is the reason for _” to anything. The reason is the time in between the sucking. The time when it’s actually good and you’re genuinely happy and content and you’re living in the present and life seems great and there’s no way this happiness can ever end or it seems too far away to worry about.
People enjoy cuddling (I’ve noticed when I browsed through the cuddling tag on tumblr—and boy do people enjoy cuddling—but that’s another post for another time), and kissing, and having someone else to listen to their thoughts, or just simply “connecting”. Something about connecting with another human being is satisfying and necessary; it’s another level of happiness that a person content with being alone will miss out on. And when you’re dating, that connecting is like all the good and bad stuff of a friendship, but with the added benefit of physical intimacy (which can add yet another level of complications).
I don’t have any experience in being someone’s girlfriend or having someone to call my boyfriend and I’ve been an outside observer of how romantic relationships work and therefore I may have a skewed perspective of all of this, so this may sound like a bunch of ignorant or misinformed judgments. My sister told me a while ago that I am not emotionally developed, and that’s probably true. I’ll still write about this, though.
I’m going to side-track and talk about something I thought about yesterday, since I’m not really sure where I am going with this entire post, anyway. I realized that my perception of marriage life is very negative. My parents can’t stand each other and seeing how miserable they are, It’s hard to imagine two people being in love after decades of being together. That’s probably why it doesn’t really register in my brain that my sister is married. I think, oh they’re so sweet and loving towards each other and my mind just associates that with the dating stage. Then I realize, no wait I was at their wedding, and my mind just…cannot compute. Obviously they don’t agree on everything and they have fights, but it’s different than what my parents have and so I always have to correct myself.
Marriage is more complicated than dating because of all the social implications it holds. Marriage symbolizes a huge commitment with another person and sharing your life and all that jazz (but it also doesn’t mean much because people get divorced all the time and it’s only a document that states your temporary or not-so-temporary relationship with someone). It’s kind of like the saying, “it’s the thought that counts” (which is a really rubbish saying, btw). The initial decision to marry someone means you care about each other “on a deeper level” than dating, but there’s always an escape button if you want out and hey, at least at one point you cared enough to marry them.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I always noticed that relationships are not easy if you want them to work. A way to avoid most problems is by talking it out with a person and making sure both of you are open about your feelings and intentions. Most of the problems that come up in relationships (that I have witnessed) were because of a lack of communication.
Okay so back to talking about my past anti-relationship-phase. For a long time I felt like I was living through the worst parts of my friend’s and sister’s relationships because all they would talk about is their “boyfriend problems” (their boyfriends were big-time jerks). I tried to give the best advice that I could (based on logic, not past experiences) but they kept making the same mistakes and constantly felt terrible and I just did not want any of that extra stress in my life. At that time I didn’t even have crushes on anyone; I just focused on schoolwork and watching tv shows and although I felt like I was missing out, I preferred my boring, uneventful life to one that was exciting and full of drama.
A lot has changed since then, however, and I think that at 17 I don’t have to worry about this stuff (and I definitely did not need to worry about this at 14). The good thing about being this age is that we’re not expected to think about the future past college. We can get away with liking someone and spending time with them and even dating them, and there is no rush to make it something serious. Even after you’re labeled “boyfriend and girlfriend”, it’s still not too serious. It’s like playing dress-up and practicing for when you’re older. You kind of look the part, and you definitely feel the part, but you’re in a situation where you’re not expected to act or think like an adult yet. That changes when you’re in your late 20s or 30s because we’re programmed by society to believe that normal people get married and have kids at that age and if you’re happy with someone then you should be ready to spend the rest of your life with them by then. Suddenly you feel pressured to rush things and people end up staying in a dysfunctional relationship because it’s “too late” to find someone more compatible. Obviously not everyone feels this way and there are exceptions to everything, but for the purpose of this argument let’s say that’s how life works.
At 17 we can still explore what it feels like to crush on someone, try to pursue that person, learn about them, learn how to act around someone else intimately, and there isn’t as much emotional baggage (since at this stage, we’re the ones creating their future baggage from unfortunate relationships).
I don’t know what else to add. Some other beliefs of mine I’ll throw in for good measure:
- I do not believe in love at first sight (attraction at first sight, sure)
- I do not believe in “soul mates” (what? no. there isn’t a “perfect someone” for you. just…no. in fact one day i might just ramble on about this in another post.)
- Fucking talk to your significant other, dammit. It doesn’t make sense to just worry and make up your own explanations for how they’re acting or letting things happen even if they bother you and expecting them to change. Stop acting like you’re the only person in the relationship. Since you two have separate minds and they’re not linked by a telepathic field, you have to do some talking about the serious stuff sometimes.
- It’s necessary to try and pursue the feelings you have towards someone, especially if they are reciprocated. Think: Why not? Destroy any doubts and just go for it. Might as well until you turn old and unattractive and no one reciprocates your feelings anymore (ha!).
- What else? It’s not the end of the world if you do break up. This post is written really dramatically as if the worst thing that can happen to you is to have someone not want to be with you anymore (adopting my 12-14 year old mentality), but it’s not. You get over it eventually. It’s worth it to try.
- AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaand I’m going back to re-watching Doctor Who. FIN.
I saw one of the “put a number in my ask box and I’ll answer” posts and I decided to do all of them.
Read more if you’re interested.
I am in a really good mood and as of right now (well technically a few hours ago), and I am no longer waiting for anything or spending any more time thinking about it. I’m just going to keep trying to be as productive and busy as I can before school starts. If it happens, it happens. I have other things to focus on at the moment, such as the present.
Just thought I’d let tumblr know because usually when I write posts it’s about complaints or worries I have that disappear about five minutes after I click create but I don’t feel like writing anything else and it may seem that I’m still dwelling on the same problem hours or even days later. Saying “I feel better and I am no longer concerned” all the time would just be repetitive and uninteresting.
Patience
Alright this is what is happening from now on.
I need to just breathe, read some books, drink tea, keep an open mind, and do other shit to keep myself from my crazy over-analyzing thoughts.
Sometimes I get this burst of energy when I say, “Fuck it why not just do what you want now? You only live once, why waste time waiting and thinking when you can act?”. But I need to remember that when there is someone else involved, they might not have the same mentality as I do and they may need time to sort stuff out.
So this is me warning myself to be mature and wait. To stop letting myself get overly emotional and just let things play out for once.
Listening to Enigma while I finish reading this book. I don’t plan on going to sleep tonight, so hopefully I’ll get a lot of my homework done.
Hey it looks like I might actually be sane this week. No crazy hormones trying to take control yet. That’s new.
Some things I need to remember to not do when I don’t have the entire story:
Don’t assume
Don’t make judgements
Don’t make rash decisions
I’m just going to listen to this song until I stop feeling angsty and emotional.
As soon as I got off the train going home there were really strong winds that threw up dust and sand into my face and then a minute later there was a downpour. Everyone started running home but in a few seconds I was soaked through so I just walked the five blocks home, grinning like an idiot. I fucking love the rain.
Some late night thoughts
I’ve been in a really good mood these past few days and I was going to write an entire post about it but then I mellowed out and it’s sitting in my drafts for another day when I am feeling ecstatic enough about life to continue. I’d like to clarify that I still am very much happy to be alive and I love life, but there was a specific OMG LIFE tone to that post that just wouldn’t feel the same if I continued it now.
Right now my head sort of hurts but I feel positive about this new relationship/friendship. I wonder if talking late at night lets me be more comfortable with people/them more comfortable with sharing who they “really are” or if I am seeing a side of them that isn’t entirely them. Idk it’s a bit odd.
I’m also glad that I’ve trained myself to stop expecting things. It means there are no hurt feelings when those expectations are unfulfilled. I mean if you don’t expect anything good to happen then you won’t be disappointed. Conversely, if good things happen then you’re just twice as happier as you would have been because you weren’t expecting anything.
Also glad that I’m back to being rational and Christina isn’t entirely ruled by her hormones/emotions.
I’m too tired to re-read this post and check to see if it is okay enough to let other people read it, so whatever. I’ll edit it tomorrow or something. Or as soon as I post this. Okay.
